This Is Just About the Truth

From the local Craigslist:

Seeking outgoing self motivated employer with 50 years office/sales experience minimum.

Must type 4,500 wpm, ability to serve coffee while standing on ball balancing with umbrella held in right hand preferred.

Must speak at least nine languages, be willing to wash windows, sweep and mop floors, do all dishes and shine the entire staff's shoes each morning.

PHD in cabinet sanding required as well as significant expertise with Gobble2 software and at least a 2009 Lexus with full coverage insurance. A brain is not necessary as you will no longer be allowed to think for yourself.

Must be able to lift 75 lbs repeatedly while wearing roller skates. Shifts run daily from 5am-5pm, work environment includes death metal/rap played at maximum volume throughout the day, the stereo sits on your desk. Must be willing to work nights when needed.

Must pass drug test, criminal records check, be fully bondable and comply with federal DNA registration policy.

$8.50-$10.00 p/hour depending on experience; 45% wage deduction will be used to pay for your health insurance and Union dues.

Please send one page resume with detailed experience, official school transcript, proof of insurance, DMV record, DNA sample, a picture of the Lexus along with a cover letter explaining in less than twelve words why you are the perfect CEO for our company to:

PO Box 41-A Normal Ave, Ashland OR 97520

Thank you!